DOUCHE PROFILER.

We are going to start profiling Douche Bags. Here is our first.

Name: Billy Dec.
Age: Like 35.
Type: Total Bro.
Fun Fact: He lives with his Mom



This guy is from Chicago. He claims to be friends with tons of celebrities and it blows our mind. Here is a picture of him with Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson. Word is that he makes his staff send out press releases that him and (insert celebrity name) were hanging out.

P.S. We heard he is actually friends with Ryan Cabrera but I think thats like one of the worst people on the planet to admit that you are friends with.

Paris Hilton

Okay. Lets diagnose a Paris Hilton blog post which is clearly just to promote a band she probably has no idea of. When I see the words" Up and coming band", a myspace link and a little bio of a band I cant help but to KNOW this was written by someone at the label.

"So back to last night at the premiere: after we screened the movie, we had an afterparty at The Ghost Bar, the new hotspot in Dallas at the W Hotel. It was a beautiful club and everyone had a great time. I was there with my friends from the up-and-coming band, "Forever the Sickest Kids"--check them out on their MySpace page at www.myspace.com/foreverthesickestkids . They are six musicians from Texas...I love their music and they are such sweet guys!" - Paris Hilton

P.S. Check out this up and coming band, "TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD" --check them out on their myspace page at www.myspace.com/yeahbutididntkissher . They are two musicians from New York and Chicago...I love their music and they are such sweet guys!

one christmas...

we misread secret santa to say "secret satan"...

needless to say we were super disappointed.

TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD

Travis from Gym Class Heroes gave us the invite into the studio where him and this lil white dude are making some "hip pop" tracks. We heard the sad summer jam of 08. We begged them for the whole song but they only gave us a snippet of the chorus. Fuckers.



EDIT: Whilst reading "travies blog" we found out lil white dude's name is Nick Scimeca and hes responsible for the signing of Gym Class Heroes. We back it.

HEAVEN/HELL

HEAVEN: our boy got a new ride. its like the fucking batmobile. seriously, i understand why we bombed the shit out of iraq now- to put gas into shit like this. we heart doing burnouts at 7/11's and drag racing little motherfuckers on their crotch rockets. were pretty sure that if they made knight rider today theyd put this car in it than we would have no excuse when you called us pussies for not banging like a zillion chicks.



HEAVEN: the set of the new panic at the disco video. its like they got super blazed and made a video - seriously, we think thats how it happened.



HELL: we hate christmas. its like the cartel of holidays. it has everything going for it but for some reason it just sucks.`now even the jews are celebrating it. what the fuck. its like the holiday where everyone has to pretend theyre nice even though theyre so shitty deep down inside- and we get punished for having a nasty awesome sense of humor all year. who's fat and old and gives presents to kids who sit on their lap? ding, ding. the only thing we hate more than christmas is nicholas cage movies, brah. if we could trap santa in a bubble like prison like this for all of eternity we would, trust us. were insane.



HEAVEN: you know you thought this dude would make it onto the hell side of things. but he didnt. because he reminds of us of when we were little and had a plan to xerox one dollar bills and be a millionaire but not even work one day- how could we blame him for keeping the dream alive?



HEAVEN: damn, its a japanese restaurant again. how did we beat those motherfuckers in that war? they must have been too polite to kick the shit out of us or something. this specials menu is like as long as our constitution and probably almost as important. they sit this thing right next to your head and explain it a million times so your retarded caucasian ass can almost understand. can you imagine if an american chef actually took pride in their food, i mean except by being an asshole on top chef?

this is the next shit truly.

imagine the dream when your little and a sweet dude rides in on a horse and out of nowhere a unicorn comes in with a hot mermaid on its back. you got a total lego boner and you didnt even know it cause youre into cartoons and other shitty little kid stuff. this is that feeling personified in a band.

we see big things (and shes cute too).

Weefer.

Buy us this $5000 cloud to hang out in. I can only think of a few things to do in this fucking thing. It comes with a fan to blow it up, a pound of weed and a pass to go back to 8th grade so you can have somewhere cool in your moms basement to finger all the cheerleaders in.